Ramblings of a madman? Page 2

More Goon Show stuff.

Probably the best Min and Henry dialogue ever! From "The Tuscan Salami"

FX: Knocking at door, fading into snoring. Knocking persists, under Min and Henry

CRUN: Ah, dear dear dear, why must people call in the middle of the night? Why can't they come at a reasonable time? Min?

BANNISTER: Whatwhatwhatwhat? Yes, Buddy?

CRUN: Somebody knocking, Min.

BANNISTER: Yes, Henry, yes. Somebody knocking.

CRUN: One of us will have to answer the door, Min.

BANNISTER: You answer it, Henry. I can't find my boot in the dark.

CRUN: Well then, turn on the light, Min.

BANNISTER: I - can't, Henry.

CRUN: Why not?

BANNISTER: When its dark I can't find the light.

CRUN: I've just had a clever idea, Minnie

BANNISTER: What, er - have you, Henry?

CRUN: Yes, Min dear, it is a very clever idea.

BANNISTER: OoOoooOooOOOooooh! How did you come to think of it, Henry?

CRUN: You know,it came to me, when I was thinking about - thinking , er, - - - Min!

BANNISTER: Yes Henry?

CRUN: I've forgotten what it was I was thinking about when I got the idea.

BANNISTER: Oh. Never mind Henry. What was the idea?

CRUN: I've forgotten, Min.

BANNISTER: Oh. (lip smacking)

CRUN: Min?

BANNISTER: Ye - yes Henry?

CRUN: He's - stopped knocking, Min.

BANNISTER: Perhaps he's gone away, buddy.

CRUN: Oh dear, what a pity.

BANNISTER: Why, Henry?

CRUN: I've just remembered the clever idea I had.

BANNISTER: Oh. What was it, Henry?

CRUN: Well, we should throw the key out of the window, Min.

BANNISTER: Oh. That was a clever idea, Henry.

CRUN: It was, wasn't it, yes (more lipsmacking) deardeardear

BANNISTER: Henry.

CRUN: Mmmm?

BANNISTER: Supposing he comes back.

CRUN: He won't be able to get in, Min. You can't get in without the key you know, you must have the key to get in.

BANNISTER: But he hasn't got the key, Henry.

CRUN: What key, Min?

BANNISTER: The key to the door.

CRUN: Well, then, he won't be able to get in, Min

BANNISTER: No, no, Henry, I know that.

CRUN: He must have the key, Min, otherwise he can't get through the door

BANNISTER: Nonono, but you've got the key, Henry

CRUN: Yes, and he can't get in. He must have the key, you know, you can't get in without keys, you can't get -

BANNISTER: Why, yes, (gurgle) why don't you throw the key out of the window, Henry?

CRUN: Oh, that's an idea, isn't it? Its a clever idea. How did you ever think of such a clever idea?

BANNISTER: What idea, Henry?

CRUN: The idea - that - what - - - what was the idea?

BANNISTER: I don't know, I've no idea, Henry.

CRUN: But you said you had one, Min

BANNISTER: Had one what?

CRUN: What I'm asking you!

BANNISTER: What are you asking me about?

CRUN: You stupid old - I was asking you...

BANNISTER: Don't you start shouting at me again, I'm - oooaaahhhh

FX: Knocking starts again

CRUN: Once round the room does me good, you know.

BANNISTER: Oh dear

CRUN: He's knocking again

BANNISTER: I know, Henry, I know

CRUN: One of us will have to answer the door, Min

BANNISTER: You answer it Henry, I can't find my boot in the dark.

SEAGOON: Hey in there. If you don't want to come down, throw me the key and I'll let myself in.

BANNISTER: Throw him the key, Henry.

CRUN: Thats a very clever idea, Min. I'll just open the window -

FX: Creaky window opens.

CRUN: Watch out, here it comes.

FX: Key drops on pavement. Glug.

SEAGOON: Curses. I missed it. Its gone down the drain.

CRUN: Oh dear, they've fallen down the drain. Now he can't get in, Min. He can't get in without the key, you know. I wish he hadn't come. Why did he have to come, Min?

BANNISTER: I don't know, Crun, you'd better ask him, I don't know -

CRUN: That's an idea, I'll ask him, yes - I say, Why did you come?

SEAGOON: Well, aren't you Sir Henry Crun, Head of M.I.5?

CRUN: He wants to know if I'm Henry Crun, Min

BANNISTER: Well, tell him, tell him.

CRUN: I've got to tell you, I'm Henry Crun, Head of M.I.5. What do you want, sir?

SEAGOON: Do you know anything about two men called Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty?

CRUN: Do I know anything about two men called Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty, Min?

BANNISTER: Yes, you do, Henry, yes

CRUN: Yes I do, Henry.

SEAGOON: Well. Do you consider them absolutely trustworthy?

CRUN: I can't hear him. We should never have come to live here at the top of the Albert Hall, you know.

BANNISTER: Well, ahhh, give him an evasive answer. Tell him to clear off, buddy!

CRUN: Clear off, Buddy!

BANNISTER: Clear off

SEAGOON: Can anyone here tell me anything about Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty?

And if you're not laughing at the end of that lot.... The script writers must have been laughing their heads off!

Work in progress... I may get around to padding this one out a bit.

Bloodnok: You can't get the china you know.

Seagoon: China? But there's plenty around!

Bloodnok: Ah, yes, but it's all very soft. You can't drink tea out of a soft china cup.

Seagoon: Why is it soft?

Bloodnok: It hasn't been fired yet.

Seagoon: Why, is it against the employment laws?

Bloodnok: No, you can't get the wood you know. You need wood to fire china.

Seagoon: (floundering) And Wood is a member of the trade delegation? So he wants China out of it?

Gritpype: You silly, twisted boy.

Or maybe combining it with this one...

Seagoon: Hello folks! This is me talking folks! Through a Sherlock Holmes leather microphone folks!

Bluebottle: Enter Bluebottle, dressed as that well-known Sherlock Holmes sidekick, Doctor Watson. Waits for audience applause, not a sausinge.

Seagoon: Ah ha! Watson! The game's afoot!

Bluebottle: er... how do you play it?

Seagoon: Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat?

Bluebottle: This game, Afoot. How do you play it?

Seagoon: Well, er, I, er, it's not a game. It's a saying.

Bluebottle: Well how do you say it then?

Seagoon: Like this: The game's afoot!

Bluebottle: The..... game....is... a.... foot. Hmm. If it is a foot, why isn'tn'tn't it a hand? Then I could give you a hand! Ehew! I made a little jokule!

Eccles: Alloooo!

Bluebottle: Ooh, Eccles, we're playing a game.

Eccles: Aaoow. Can I play? How does it work?

Bluebottle: Neddie gives you a hand, and I give you a foot.

Eccles: Okaaay. You can have my knee.

Bluebottle: Ooh, I'll swop you for an elbow.

(FX) Struggling noises

Seagoon: Wait a minute. Now I've got Eccle's neck, he's got my arm, and Bluebottle's got my shins.

Bluebottle: Ehew! I don't like this game. I'm now only four foot tall.

Eccles: Four feet? Where did you get four feet? (Counting) One, ... two,.... er, Bottle?

Bluebottle: Yes my good man?

Eccles: What comes after two?

Bluebottle: Free!

Eccles: You mean your feet are free? I'll have one then.

(FX) Struggling noises

Eccles: There!

Bluebottle: You rotten swine yew!

Another mini-script. With apologies to JK Rowling...

Greenslade: This week, dear listeners, we have a new and exciting episode for you. It is called...

(FX) FANFARE

Neddie Potter Seagoon and the Sorcerer's stone!

Seagoon: That's right, folks. Listen whilst I recount the tale of dread entitled:

(FX) TRUMPET

Seagoon: The Goon Show!

It all started when I was very young. One day there was a knock at the door.

FX) KNOCKING, followed by creaking dooor

Eccles: Hallloooo.

Seagoon: Goodness me, a giant. What do you want?

Eccles: I've come to tell you, to tell you, (mumbles) what was it again, um, oh yes. You've got a letter.

Seagoon: A letter? Who would be writing to me? Where's it from?

Eccles: It's from, from, er, from my pocket!

Seagoon: I don't wish to know that! Let's have a look. "Dear Potter Seagoon, you are hereby invited, blah blah, following items must be bought, blah blah, yours sincerly, Henry Albus Crun, Headmaster, Hogwash. Who's this Crun then?

Eccles: He's a wizard.

Seagoon: A wizard? Nonsense, there's no such thing.

Eccles: You're a wizard too.

Seagoon: Me? You must be mistaken.

Eccles: Didn't you ever do anything without meaning to?

Seagoon: Yes. Opening this door.

Eccles: Well there you are then!

Minnie Bannister: Yum-tum-tum-tiddle, um-tom-tiddle-i-po.

Henry: Minnie!

Minnie: Ying tong tiddle, up pup er.... What, er, what is it, buddy?

Henry: Min, Min, Minnie! Stop that naughty modern rhythm singing. We have a new pupil starting today. Dear, dear, dear, where did I put that piece of paper? Dear, dear, dear. Oh dear.

Minnie: What piece of paper, Henry?

Henry: The piece of paper I'm looking for.

Minnie: Where did you put it, mm, buddy?

Henry: Put what, Min?

Minnie: The piece of paper.

Henry: Which piece of paper?

Minnie: The one you were looking for.

Henry: Why was I looking for a piece of paper, Min?

Minnie: Because you couldn't find it.

Henry: Why couldn't I find it, Min?

Minnie: Because you've lost it.

Henry: Lost what, Min?

Minnie: The piece of paper!

Henry: Which piece of paper?

Minnie: The one you were looking for.

Henry: Never mind that now, Min, I've found a piece of paper. Oh yes, it's the new pupil starting today. Mr Neddie Potter Seagoon. You'd better go down and greet him.

Minnie: Right you are, mmm, buddy.

Gritpype: Come out of that dustbin.

Moriarty: Ooowwww. You gotta go Oooowww.

Gritpype: Never mind the Ooowws. A little oowwwwl has told me that Neddie Potter Seagoon is starting at Hogwash today.

Moriarty: Oooowww!

Gritpype: Exactly. Now climb aboard this mop and we'll go and intercept him.

Seagoon: (reading aloud) Hogwash. This must be the place. I'll just knock.

Gritpype: Just a moment, my lad. You must be Neddie Potter Seagoon.

Seagoon: That's amazing! How did you know?

Gritpype: It's written on your nametag. My name is Gritpype-Thynne. And this famous refuse sack here is Count Voldemort Moriarty.

Seagoon: Pleased to meet you.

Moriarty: Ooowwww.

Gritpype: You'll have to excuse the count, he hasn't been the same since breakfast. Now, take hold of this mop.

(FX) WHOOSH

(FX) SPLASH

Little Jim: He's fallen in da water!

Seagoon: Heeellp! Heeellp!

Bluebottle: I heard you call me my Captain! (Waits for audience applause, not a sausinge.)

Seagoon: Help! Get me out of this bucket!

Bluebottle: Thinks. If I help the famous Neddie Potter Seagoon out of the bucket, I can get his autograph. Ooh, I can impress Arabella Spriggs then!

(FX) PLOP!

Seagoon: Ah, thank you!

Bluebottle: Can I have your autograph, captain?

Seagoon: Certainly.

(FX) SCRIBBLING NOISES

(FX) MORE SCRIBBLING NOISES

(FX) STILL MORE SCRIBBLING NOISES

(FX) EVEN LONGER SCRIBBLING NOISES

Seagoon: There!

Bluebottle: Ooh. Thenkyew. What does it say?

Seagoon: To the short lad with short trousers: thank you for the bucket removal. Yours sincerely, Ada Longbottom.

Bluebottle: Yew rotten swine yew!

And another part-finished idea...

Seagoon: (singing) I love to go a-wandering,My knapsack on my back
And as I go, I laugh and sing, I baint' be coming back.
Valderie... valderah... valderie.... valder

(FX) BANG

Eccles: er, Bottle?

Bluebottle: Yes my good fellow?

Eccles: Oi think oi got him.

Bluebottle: Ooh, goody. Now we can take his knapsack.